


smile like you mean it

by albion



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Character Death, Gen, Guilt, Levi Squad, Mentions of Death, Special Operations Squad - Freeform, spoilers for chapter 30 and beyond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-15
Updated: 2013-08-15
Packaged: 2017-12-23 13:36:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/927079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albion/pseuds/albion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are the things we lost in the fire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	smile like you mean it

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PrussianAwesomeness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrussianAwesomeness/gifts).



> When I read chapter 30 no lie I broke down in tears.  
> Probably didn't help that I also had the _Schindler's List_ OST playing through my headphones.
> 
> And because I'm a huge fan in shameless self promotion and I adore these lot, [I made a fanmix for them.](http://8tracks.com/hydriades/the-things-we-lost-in-the-flames)

The sun set four hours ago.

He hardly ever uses this desk, in this office; there’s really almost no point in him having one but for the sake of standardization and regulations and the fact that he needs a place to sit down sometimes and have a fucking drink.

However, Erwin confiscated all of his stash of vine a while ago, and Levi never had a large collection to begin with.

It’s almost hilarious, just how withdrawn Erwin became as soon as they returned from the forest and that godforsaken attempt to catch the Female Titan. Now Erwin’s being called to court, the Legion are in serious danger of losing all outside funding, Eren is going to be handed over to the Military Police, and his leg is leaving him out of commission for at least two months.

Levi takes a deep breath and pulls out the first sheet.

 

 _Günther Schultz_  
**Affiliation:** Scouting Legion  
**Age:** 36  
**Height:** 6'  
**Weight:** 180lb  
**Marital Status:** Married  
**Surviving family:** Wife, no children  
**Status:** KIA year 850

 

Levi scans the information once over before he picks up his pen, dips it quickly into the ink, and signs his name and rank in short, quick strokes on the bottom line. He’ll have to send word to the wife, if she hasn’t already died by this point. There’s simply not enough manpower to keep records as up to date as they should be.

He picks up the next sheet.

 

 _Auruo Bossard_  
**Affiliation:** Scouting Legion  
**Age:** 45  
**Height:** 5'7''  
**Weight:** 134lb  
**Marital Status:** Unmarried  
**Surviving family:** None  
**Status:** KIA year 850

 

The image of Auruo’s twisted body lying on the grass flashes through his mind.

He signs this one too.

 

 _Erd Gin_  
**Affiliation:** Scouting Legion  
**Age:** 33  
**Height:** 5'10''  
**Weight:** 165lb  
**Marital Status:** Married  
**Surviving family:** Wife and two children; one male (7), one female (4)  
**Status:** KIA year 850

 

His grip on the pen slips slightly between his sweaty fingers, sending a small splash of ink onto the top right hand corner of the page. Levi breathes slowly, and reaches for a piece of cloth to dab at it. His fingers reach nothing, and he opens his mouth to ask Petra if she could find him something, before he remembers.

The last sheet is the hardest.

 

 _Petra Ral_  
**Affiliation:** Scouting Legion  
**Age:** 24  
**Height:** 5'2''  
**Weight:** 121lb  
**Marital Status:** Unmarried  
**Surviving family:** Father  
**Status:** KIA year 850

 

He remembers her father, how he had came straight up to him and asked about her. Mentioning all kinds of things, how proud he was, how much he wanted to see her face, how he was hoping she would marry soon. Half implied, how he was hoping she would marry her dashing young commanding officer and settle down-

Levi puts down the pen and rests his head heavily between his hands. There are no tears. He hasn’t cried since his mother died, leaving him to wander the streets as an orphan at age ten.

He could blame Erwin for this. It would be so easy. So simple.

But that’s falsifying the truth and he knows it. Erwin is as much to blame as he is. Orders are orders, and sacrifices are sacrifices. One can’t expect to give nothing and receive something in return.

But they returned with nothing, and perhaps that’s what is causing the slow burn of anger to rise in his chest.

Levi knows life is unfair. Life became unfair when Titans began roaming the earth and devouring humans for the sake of devouring them. He should be grateful; they’ve discovered Humanity’s Last Hope: Eren Jaeger, part time soldier and part time titan.

A _child._

All of humanity’s hopes are resting on the shoulders of a child.

And where does that leave him, “Humanity’s Strongest Soldier”?

He’s always hated that title.

Humanity’s Strongest Soldier and Humanity’s Last Hope working together and still they can’t prevent the deaths of four of their comrades. When four of the best soldiers in the army were giving their lives to protect a boy, where was he? What does it say when a commanding officer leaves his entire unit to perish?

He still feels responsible. He feels responsible for looking into the eyes of Petra’s father and telling him that “sorry sir, I have other duties I must attend to at this moment,” before fleeing like a damned fucking coward into the crowd.

He self-indulgingly lets his mind wander; allowing the briefest image of a child with black hair and golden eyes to rise to the front of his mind, before squashing it down and biting through his lip so hard he nearly draws blood.

There’s no point in imagining what might have been.

Levi picks up his pen again and signs “Captain Levi, Scouting Legion” on Petra’s form.

He hardly ever uses this desk, except to write away the deaths of countless numbers of soldiers, _good_ soldiers, soldiers who have given their sweat and blood and life for him.

If only he could take an axe to the damned thing and chop it up into firewood.

Levi stacks the papers together and leaves them on the desk in the light of a single candle. There’s no point in attempting to try and deliver these to administration right now. He limps his way to the door, locks his office and retires to his bedroom and his silent, empty bed.

He’ll never forget the sight of Petra’s broken body looking up at him through lifeless eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt given to me by my friend:  
> "so what if captains have to do paperwork for their fallen subordinates and that's like the only time levi actually uses his desk; can you just picture him sitting in a darkened room after the sun has set with a lone candle keeping him company as he fills out paperwork for his dead friends and then reading like here and there "Marital Status: Married" or "Family: Wife/Husband, children" and just taking a deep breath in to keep calm and just continues filling out forms in silence???"
> 
> I hope you're happy because writing this made me so upset.
> 
> Also I'm assuming that the injury that's left Levi out of commission is a broken leg because from the manga it appears as though he broke his leg blocking the Female Titan from smashing Mikasa. But I mean, if I'm wrong this is all going to look very silly isn't it.


End file.
